Dear Uncle John:
You wrote that you were thinking about getting a jeep, but I don't think
you'd want one of those danged things. I guess you know we had one on
the farm here for a while, and we sure found out they are no danged
good.
A few years back Grandma's nagging about a new chicken coop finally got
me and brother Billy-Bob thinking how we could get her to shut up with
out actually having to build her a coop. You may recall how Billy Bob
got his arm broke when the roof fell in on the last shed we built, and
even though I promised I wouldn't be drinkin when we wuz on the roof, he
said he wouldn't help me build any more stuff. So, we decided to use
that old packing crate that Grandpa got after the war.
Billy Bob and I managed to pry one end of the thing. Boy they made them
crates strong, I can see why Grandpa wanted it. It must of took us two
hours to get the end off but we finally did. Aunt Edna's clothes line
pole is almost straight again now, we ran the tractor over it to get the
kinks out. Well, when we got the end off, danged if there wasn't one
of those army jeeps inside. We hooked the tractor to it to pull it
out. Boy, they didn't make those jeep bumpers too strong, did they?
I sure don't know why they used so many straps to hold it down, two
would have been enough.
When we got it out, there wuz no way it was going to run, the wheels wuz
off and all sorts of stuff wuz in boxes and crates, so we just drug it
out in the pasture and used it for a feeder for the cows. We saved the
wheels and most of the boxes of stuff though.
About a year later, when you started talking about jeeps, we thought
we'd see about fixing it up for a rig to go coon hunting. Well, the
cows had messed it up some, eaten all the fabric and stuff and kicked it
some. But, Billy Bob and I wuz determined, so we drug it up to the
barn (you know, the back bumper isn't any stronger than the front one.
You'd have thunk the jeep fellers would have learned after they made
such a flimsy one for the front.) We found 3 of the wheels we had
saved, and a good wheel off Grandpa's old tractor - you know the one
that Billy Ray backed through the milking parlor and tore off the top of
the engine? but were having one hell of a time getting them wheels
bolted on. One side went on pretty OK, but try as we might, just
couldn't get the bolts on the other side even when we started them with
the 4 pound hammer. Well, you remember how Billy Bob went to welding
school a while back, so we just welded them suckers on. Now they'll
never come off. Welded on the steering wheel too, and whatever else
needed fixin', cuz we'd lost them bolts that were in the little boxes
that came with the thing.
But, we had no luck when it came to startin the thing. Billy Bob
siphined some fresh gas out of Pa's pickup, but the dang fool swallered
some and then coughed some up all over his overalls, didn't he look
funny. We put it in the tank, and more down the carburetor, and even
sprayed starter fluid in the thing to boot. The battery was dry as a
bone, so we jumpered the thing and danged if Billy Bob didn't get the
cables backwards or something, anyway the next thing we know there is a
lot of sparks and Billy Bob is running around with his overalls on
fire. If you think he looked funny before, he sure was a sight after he
jumped in the hog wallow. Well, they don't make jeep starters any
better than they make the bumpers, all it did was smoke after a while,
so did all the rest of the wiring come to think of it. So, out comes
the good old tractor again. We had to push it backwards to get it out
of the barn, and you know, that grill and radiator ain't so strong
either; but we got it out. Then Billy Bob got to arguing about which
gear we should have it in when we pushed it, and I got so danged tired
of his yakkin on about second and third and two wheel and four wheel, I
just backed up about 20 feet and let 'er rip. When I hit that ol' jeep
Billy Bob flew back so hard he broke the back of the seat, and if we
hadn't welded on the steering wheel for him to hang on to, he would have
been sittin on the hood of the tractor. Whacked the back end of that
ol' jeep so hard it bent in clear up past the rear axle, in fact, the
rear axle bent in the middle too. Those trannys they put in them jeeps
are no good either, 'cuz Billy Bob was hollerin' that I'd stripped the
gears. Well, I dunno about that, I've pushed most everything on the
place to get it started and never stripped no gears even when we had 'em
goin' 70 or 80 before the engine caught.
But anyhow, I guess we shoulda put somethin other than hydraulic fluid
in the brakes, because Billy Bob was stompin up and down on the floor
like he wuz killin a cockroach, but danged if he could stop that jeep.
Couldn't steer it either, I guess we welded the steering wheel on
wrong. Anyhow, no harm done, he jumped just as the thing went over the
bank into the creek. It laid there too, good riddance as far as I could
see, till one of them city slickers came by last spring and traded me a
box of .30-'06 shells and a good pocket knife for it. We even offered
to drag it out with the tractor, but he hired a wrecker instead. Some
people don't know how handy tractors are I guess.
So, anyway, that's the story of our jeep. My advice is, don't get one,
they are no danged good as we had one and found out for ourselves.
Say hello to Aunt Amy for us, and all the dogs too.
Billy Joe
--John A. Hern Jr. 1900 Millview Coeur d'Alene, Idaho 83814 mailto:hern@nidlink.com Dipl.Ing. Mechanical Engineer Foundry: http://www.hernironworks.com Greyhounds: http://www.greyhoundpetsinc.org Personal: http://www.happygreyhound.com
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