In a message dated 12/30/01 8:02:25 AM Eastern Standard Time,
roughdoc@earthlink.net writes:
<< Every once in a while RAND corp or someone else tries to revitalize this
critical war-winning skill, but to little avail. They are in the process
of publishing a report on urban camouflage.
>>
Ever vigilant, we at Inter Agency Motor Pool's New York Area HQ have been
able to ascertain some of the points that make up the Rand Corp's new
guidelines for their Urban Camoflage Program:
The New York City version of urban camoflage includes faded, multi-hued
yellow paint, with realistic dents and scratches, and a big lighted sign on
top that says "OFF DUTY"
Tires shall be bald, of indeterminate manufacture, and of mixed and unequal
size, rating and design.
Brakes shall be adjusted for maximum squeal and vibration.
Engines shall be intentionally mis-tuned, and equipped with full-time smog
generators. Exhaust systems shall be field-modified to emit at least 10% of
the engine's emissions into the troop carrying area.
All chassis, steering, and suspension components shall be intentionally
mis-adjusted and devoid of any grease or other lubricants, and shock
absorbers shall be removed in the field.
Transmissions shall be adjusted by field motor pool personnel to provide
jerky, noisy and unreliable operation. A special "Kit, Breakdown,
Transmission, Mark II" shall be installed on every fourth vehicle. A
dashboard-mounted activation switch and data plate for this kit shall be
installed randomly on vehicles either W or W/O this kit.
Vehicles shall never be initially pointed in the direction of travel required
by personnel, and drivers shall never be pre-briefed in the routing of
required travel. Travel shall never be by the most expeditious, efficient, or
convenient route. Vehicles shall remain in motion, according to a random
routing protocol, and shall either be (1) available or (2) not available for
the transportation of personnel according to no set regulation.
(Vehicles shall never be made available to personnel during periods of
inclement weather, or during the hours of 0700 to 0900 and 1600 to 1800. For
the purposes of this program, "Inclement Weather" shall be defined as
precipitation exceeding one drop per acre.)
Interior surfaces shall be manufactured of an indeterminate fabric referred
to colloquially as "Mouse Fur" and shall be designed to retain any and all
chemical, biological or nuclear substances that come into contact with same,
despite any and all attempts to sanitize same.
Seats shall be covered with "Hide, Nauga, Imitation, Cheap, Odiferous" and
shall be adjusted for minimum comfort.
All body panels and components shall be attached loosely to ensure maximum
noise and vibration.
Recommended weapons for driver shall include (1) Pistol, Revolver, Smith &
Wesson, .38 cal, E/W blank round in first available chamber, field-modified
to remove serial number and hammer. (2) Bat, Baseball, Louisville Slugger,
34". (3) Iron, Tire, Black in color, E/W underseat mounting bracket. (4)
Cable, Electrical, Single conductor/stranded, Gauge 0000, length 16", field
modified with friction tape covering.
To complete the scenario, all drivers shall wear unwashed clothing, and shall
be trained to speak only in a foreign language that sounds like a pail of
warm cow flop being stirred with a large wooden spoon.
Thank you for your attention.
Arthur P. Bloom
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b29 : Sun Jan 06 2002 - 22:26:53 PST