From: Nigel Hay - MILWEB (Nigel@milweb.net)
Date: Sun Mar 16 2003 - 12:48:45 PST
Make your own minds up......
THE COMPLETE MILITARY HISTORY OF FRANCE
Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
of French history, France is conquered by an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost. Saved at last by female schizophrenic who
inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare, i.e., "France's
armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose
two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to
get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League / King William's War / French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded
Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French
military power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved every since.
American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the colonists saw far more
action. This is later known as the "de Gaulle Syndrome" and leads to the
Second Rule of French
Warfare, i.e., "France wins only when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also
French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!)
Due to leadership of a short Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken
fat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War One - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United
States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep
with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread
use of condoms
by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War Two - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with
the
Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by
a non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
Muslim Warfare, i.e., "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to
the First Rule of the English, Italian, Russian, German, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese and Eskimo warfare.
War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to
Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
Conclusion - From Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf over the weekend:
"Worrying about going to war without the French is like worrying about going
deer hunting without your accordion."
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.1.4 : Wed Apr 23 2003 - 13:25:52 PDT