*Laughing out loud here*
> >DEFINITIONS FOR THE MECHANIC
> >============================
> >
> >HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
> >is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive vehical parts
> not far
> >from the object we are trying to hit. ALSO USEFUL FOR REMOVING
> TROUBLESOME
> THUMBNAILS.
> >
> >MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> >cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
> well
> >on boxes containing canvas tops or fitted tents. ALSO HANDY WHEN ONE
> WANTS
> TO LUBRICATE THE PART ONE IS WORKING ON WITH BLOOD; THE FINGERS MAKE
> EXCELLENT SOURCES.
>
> >VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available,
> >they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
>
> >your hand. WILL ASLO, IN A PINCH, PERFORM THE FUNCTION OF BROKEN
> SPOT-WELDS ON NEWLY-LIBERATED SHEET-METAL BODY PARTS.
> >
> >OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale
> >garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket
>
> >drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can
> never
> >remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the
> PX
> >at Fort Campbell. CAN BE USED TO COMPLETE RESTORATION PROJECT BY
> IGNITING
> A "BAPTISM BY FIRE" IN THE GARAGE, IF DESIRED.
> >
> >ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.
>
> >DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat
> >metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
> >and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the
> Swedish
> >Bikini Team poster over the bench grinder. EXCELLENT TOOL FOR
> RELIEVING
> PRESSURE FROM BLOOD BLISTERS UNDER FINGERNAILS BY DRILLING HOLES
> COMPLETELY
> THROUGH FINGER AND BONE SO THAT THE BLOOD CAN DRAIN FROM THE BOTTOM
> (YES,
> I'VE SEEN THIS HAPPEN).
>
> >SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> >spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
> (PREFERABLY THE FORMER PRIOR TO THE LATTER.)
>
> >CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
>
> >that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
> end
> >without the handle. THE MACHINED TIP IS SOMETIMES USEFUL FOR
> BREAKING YOUR
> FALL BYPUNCTURING THE SKIN IF IT IS STICKING OUT OF YOUR POOCKET.
>
> >BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric
> acid
> >from car battery to the inside of your toolbox OR THE SURFACE OF YOUR
>
> CLOTHING after determining that
> >your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>
> >PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Formerly used to stab the lids of old-style
> >paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can now be used,
>
> >as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. ALSO SEE
> "CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER.
>
> As you can imagine, I've been around some awfully clumsy mechanics.
>
> Steve Allen, Rolla, MO, USA
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