From: Bobby Joe Pendleton (bjpendleton@charter.net)
Date: Sat May 06 2006 - 18:50:40 PDT
someone sure likes to clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with
hammer. :)
BjP
Southern by the grace of God
"I...Shall Remain Confederate"
----- Original Message -----
From: "Chris Brunner" <cjbrunner@optonline.net>
To: "Military Vehicles Mailing List" <mil-veh@mil-veh.org>
Sent: Saturday, 06 May, 2006 21:36
Subject: [MV] OT: Technical Manual Humor
> Haynes Manual Terminology Translated into Common English
>
> Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
> Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
> anticlockwise.
>
> Haynes: This is a snug fit.
> Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
>
> Haynes: This is a tight fit.
> Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
>
> Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
> Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now
you
> are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
>
> Haynes: Pry...
> Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
>
> Haynes: Undo...
> Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
>
> Haynes: Retain small spring...
> Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"
>
> Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
> Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
> dig
> out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
>
> Haynes: Lightly...
> Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead
> are throbbing then clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
>
> Haynes: Weekly checks...
> Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
>
> Haynes: Routine maintenance...
> Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.
>
> Haynes: One spanner rating.
> Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it
up?
>
> Haynes: Two spanner rating.
> Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
> teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map
of
> the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
>
> Haynes: Three spanner rating.
> Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
>
> Haynes: Four spanner rating.
> Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
>
> Haynes: Five spanner rating.
> Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.
>
> Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
> Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
>
> Haynes: Compress...
> Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it
> at
> the garage wall, then find some vice-grips and a hammer...
>
> Haynes: Inspect...
> Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking
> at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought,
> it's
> going to need a new one"
>
> Haynes: Carefully...
> Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.
>
> Haynes: Retaining nut...
> Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
>
> Haynes: Get an assistant...
> Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
>
> Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
> Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
> Once
> that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to
feel
> deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
>
> Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
> Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
>
> Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
> Translation: Snap off...
>
> Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
> Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
>
> Haynes: Everyday toolkit
> Translation: Visa Card & Mobile Phone
>
> Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively,
> clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
>
> Haynes: Index
> Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.
>
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This archive was generated by hypermail 2.1.4 : Tue Jul 18 2006 - 21:45:37 PDT