A good beginning, both with the jeeps and the jokes. A few interesting uses
were overlooked, however; I thought I'd add them.
>
>DEFINITIONS FOR THE MECHANIC
>============================
>
>HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
>is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive vehical parts not far
>from the object we are trying to hit. ALSO USEFUL FOR REMOVING TROUBLESOME
THUMBNAILS.
>
>MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
>cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
>on boxes containing canvas tops or fitted tents. ALSO HANDY WHEN ONE WANTS
TO LUBRICATE THE PART ONE IS WORKING ON WITH BLOOD; THE FINGERS MAKE
EXCELLENT SOURCES.
>VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
>they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
>your hand. WILL ASLO, IN A PINCH, PERFORM THE FUNCTION OF BROKEN
SPOT-WELDS ON NEWLY-LIBERATED SHEET-METAL BODY PARTS.
>
>OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale
>garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket
>drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never
>remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX
>at Fort Campbell. CAN BE USED TO COMPLETE RESTORATION PROJECT BY IGNITING
A "BAPTISM BY FIRE" IN THE GARAGE, IF DESIRED.
>
>ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetylene torch.
>DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
>metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
>and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Swedish
>Bikini Team poster over the bench grinder. EXCELLENT TOOL FOR RELIEVING
PRESSURE FROM BLOOD BLISTERS UNDER FINGERNAILS BY DRILLING HOLES COMPLETELY
THROUGH FINGER AND BONE SO THAT THE BLOOD CAN DRAIN FROM THE BOTTOM (YES,
I'VE SEEN THIS HAPPEN).
>SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
>spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
(PREFERABLY THE FORMER PRIOR TO THE LATTER.)
>CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
>that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
>without the handle. THE MACHINED TIP IS SOMETIMES USEFUL FOR BREAKING YOUR
FALL BYPUNCTURING THE SKIN IF IT IS STICKING OUT OF YOUR POOCKET.
>BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
>from car battery to the inside of your toolbox OR THE SURFACE OF YOUR
CLOTHING after determining that
>your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Formerly used to stab the lids of old-style
>paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can now be used,
>as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. ALSO SEE
"CRAFTSMAN 1/2 X 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER.
As you can imagine, I've been around some awfully clumsy mechanics.
Steve Allen, Rolla, MO, USA
===
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